Humour Corner

These jokes below have been reprinted with permission from Rewa Mirpuri from his books on humour (“Book of Humour”, “Best of Humour” and “Bank of Humour”). To get a copy for S$10, go to his website. Proceeds of his books go to charity in helping the destitute under World Community Service projects through Rotary Club of Singapore.

New jokes will be added every other week. Laughter really is the best medicine:


 

 

Communication
When two men are talking to each other, they are
talking about themselves.
When two women are talking to each other, they are
talking about a third one!

* * * *

A toast in the right direction …
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him,
“If you were my husband I would poison your drink.”
The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it!”

* * * *

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

* * * *

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

* * * *

It works like magic …
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket
and asked, “Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because I have lost my wife here in the supermarket and every time
I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.

* * * *

Husband: Honey, where would you like to go for our anniversary?
Wife: Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!
Husband: Okay, how about the kitchen!

* * * *

A nice exchange …
A husband was enjoying his morning paper when his bored wife came up to him and said, “I wish I were a newspaper so that you could hold me in your arms everyday.”
The husband replied, “Yes Dear, I too wish you were, so I could have a new one everyday!”

* * * *

We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

* * * *

2 rings – wedding-ring & suffer-ring
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, ruby brooch and gold Rolex.”
The confused artist said, “But you’re not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” she said, “but, if I die before my husband, I’m sure my husband will remarry. I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery!”

* * * *

A package deal!
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

* * * *

Fatal attraction
Desperate boyfriend: Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me.
Parent: And you’re asking my permission to marry her?
Desperate boyfriend: No, I’m asking you to make her leave me alone!

* * * *

Blind date woes
College student: How was your blind date?
Roommate: Terrible! He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.
College student: Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?
Roommate: He was the original owner!!

* * * *

The new Night golf-clubs …
Wife:
What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife: What? At 2am?!
Husband: Yes, we used night clubs!

* * * *

Judge: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?
Accused: A dress for my wife, Your Honour, but she made me change it three times.

* * * *

She put on a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off!

* * * *

Doctor: (To his friend) You see that woman sitting over there? I love her very much.
Friend: Why don’t you marry her?
Doctor: I can’t afford to. She is my best patient.

* * * *

Bank accounts are like toothpaste: Easy to take out but hard to put back. (Robert Ackerstrom)

* * * *

A woman complained to her marriage counsellor about her husband’s selfishness.
“When he won a trip for two to Hawaii, he went twice.”

* * * *

Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.
Husband: Thanks, dear, but the audience was full of fools and idiots.
Wife: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?

* * * *

A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill, he wrote: “This bill is now one-year-old.”
Back came the reply: “Happy birthday!”

* * * *

“Was it a big wedding?”
“Oh, yes, it was a grand wedding. The crowd was so huge that I stood twice in the queue to kiss the bride and nobody noticed.”

* * * *